It’s Saturday morning, July 31st, 2021. I’ve just made it through security and I am wondering where she’s at. I scan the area behind the conveyor belt, and then squint my eyes towards the hands of every TSA agent. I begin to panic. Where’s my daughter?? I gather my belongings off the belt, and finally see her tiny box sitting in a tray and being handed off to a huge, burly agent. I walk around to the other side of the security area, where I can see the TSA agent place her down on a counter. He takes a small cloth and shakes a solution onto it. Then he very carefully opens the box and takes Stevie’s urn out. My panic subsides but the effort to not burst into tears takes 100% effort. The TSA agent gently dabs the cloth on each side of Stevie’s urn. Then he waits for a bit. I look around at the other gates nearby, wondering if anyone is watching me…it doesn’t appear so. Shortly after, he places Stevie’s urn back in her box, puts on the lid, and hands it to me. Without uttering a single word to each other, I think he somehow knows this is my child. He gives me a nod, and Jared and I find our gate.
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The stress that came with traveling via airline with an urn really took a toll on me. Up until this point in our lives, Jared and I had no idea one had to be approved and carry a legal document stating we could travel with an urn. Additionally, we had read some TSA guidance indicating that sometimes certain materials that urns are made of may be turned away, regardless if we had the legal document or not. So, the week leading up to the trip to Ohio, we called the airport to inquire about taking the urn, and wondering if we could visit the airport ahead of time to ensure the type of material the urn was made of would successfully pass through security. They did not want us making a special trip and said that they “had never turned anyone with an urn away”. Despite their efforts to ease our concern, I was still really worried about taking Stevie’s urn. I asked if I could have the manager’s name, so that in the event anything crazy happened I could drop his name and hope that everything would work out. I think my paranoia was amplified just because of the overall trauma and sensitivity of the situation. Luckily, I did not have to name drop and I was so grateful for how sensitive the TSA agent was while ensuring Stevie’s urn was “safe” to fly.
When we got onto the plane, a woman with a tiny baby boy sat two rows behind us…he was probably a few months old if I had to guess. He began crying shortly before takeoff. Then I began crying….and crying….and crying. The last baby I heard cry was Stevie and this was a gut-wrenching scenario we unfortunately could not avoid. I was 50/50. I wanted him to stop crying because it reminded me of Stevie, but at the same time, I wanted him to keep crying because I would give anything to hear Stevie cry again and his cry was at least close. He eventually stopped and we continued to our final destination – Ohio.
Ohio is where Jared and I both grew up. Although we did not go to the same high school, we dated for a little over a year in high school. His house was about 5 miles from mine growing up, and our parents both still live in those houses. Despite the unfortunate circumstances, I was looking forward to seeing our families. Jared still had quite a few mixed feelings about going home though. He was concerned about seeing his family knowing that none of them got to meet Stevie; and he also had envisioned our first trip back to Ohio to be significantly different under the assumption Stevie would have been alive for it.
I recall hugging everyone for a long time. My parents picked us up from the airport and we hugged while other cars went driving by. Then we got to Jared’s parents’ house and I recall all of us standing in the driveway and hugging everyone for a while. Jared’s brothers, our sister-in-law, our nephews, and Jared’s parents…everyone gets a hug. We brought our luggage into Jared’s parents’ house, up the stairs where Jared proposed to me, and sat briefly on the bed in the same room we had stayed in when we went home in December 2020…when we shared for the first time that we were pregnant. We both had immediate mixed feelings. While everyone had gathered at the Martin residence to welcome us back with a huge dinner – something that historically would have been a happy event – we were somewhat plagued with feelings of sadness as well. We took a few moments and then headed back downstairs. I sat next to my mom on the deck swing. She put her arm around me and asked “how are you holding up sweetie?” I think knowing my answer would be “…eh…alright”. My eyes welled up and I leaned into her for a brief moment before my nephew Grant (who is 10) asked if I wanted a beer – haha. Yes, I’ll take a beer!
The plan was to spend the week in Ohio while preparing for Stevie’s second service on Saturday, August 7th. After Stevie’s service in Omaha, we wanted to follow pretty much the same structure for her service in Ohio. Initially we had plans to do her service at the Chalet in the Cleveland Metroparks in Strongsville, Ohio. Jared and I got married at the Chalet, so it will forever be a special place for us. However, the prices to reserve the Chalet were pretty steep, and we did not want to pay so much for her service (prices went up significantly since we got married!). The next place we figured might be nice was Jared’s church he went to growing up. It is a Lutheran church, and his pastor is the man that married us on our wedding day. However, the pastor had retired, and Jared’s mom never heard back from the church, so we had to decide on yet another place to have Stevie’s service. We went with a different Lutheran church in Columbia Station, Ohio.
First, I want to point out that we were very spoiled with the military assistance for Stevie’s service in Omaha. They helped us with everything from planning to rehearsal to anything we needed the day-of. So trying to plan the Ohio service without military assistance was very stressful and annoying, while still trying to grieve the loss of my daughter. I should also point out that, while Jared was raised Lutheran and I Catholic, we both no longer “practice” our faith and to be completely honest – we are both agnostic. So, we had to temper our expectations when we met with a Worship Leader at the Lutheran Church who agreed to preside over Stevie’s service in Ohio. We met with him on Monday to discuss how we wanted the service to run. He is very devout in his Lutheran faith and had many questions regarding our own faith as well. I think we potentially gave him the wrong impression by utilizing the Lutheran church, because he assumed we were “practicing”.
At one point, he mentioned that God had a relationship with Stevie when she was still in my womb, and God was talking to her and telling her about this “plan” he had for her.
I’m sorry, EXCUSE ME?! Are you telling me that you think God planned for her to die??
I will kindly point out that the above is NOT something anyone, regardless of faith or position, should say to parents grieving the loss of a child. An infant death, miscarriage or stillbirth is never planned. In the same vein, just an FYI for the readers, saying things like “everything happens for a reason” is also extremely rude – this implies there is a reason your child died. Hell no.
Anyway…….while I know the Worship Leader’s comments were well-intentioned, I did have to walk out of the room at one point. I told Jared I was pretty certain we needed to come up with a new plan because I felt like the Worship Leader was not listening to what we wanted and steering the service to become more “preachy” for lack of a better term. I was unraveling quickly. Also keep in mind, my feelings were pretty amplified because I was so stressed out, tired, and freakin’ annoyed that this was the third venue we were trying to hold Stevie’s service at. But Jared has a pretty good way of talking me off the ledge. He reminded me that this man volunteered to do this for us, and we still had time to express exactly how we wanted the service to go, and also share some stories about Stevie with him so he could get to know her better.
Thank goodness, everything turned out perfectly again for her Ohio service. More on that later.
Throughout the week at home, we spent most of the time checking in with loved ones and old friends. So many memories came rushing back. Jared’s got a 1970 Chevy truck that was our primary mode of transportation while we were home. We both thought how perfect it would have been to take Stevie around in daddy’s truck. When we first went to my parents’ house that week, I remember asking my dad if he still had the BB gun. I wanted to shoot it. I used to shoot at beer cans in my backyard all the time growing up. For some reason, I felt compelled to dust it off and shoot some cans for old time’s sake….still got it 😉! We also checked in with Jared’s uncle who served in the Marine Corps and in Vietnam. Jared has always had a special relationship and connection with him since they both serve(d).
One day we headed out to Jared’s brother Denny’s house to hang with him and our nephews. I recall earlier in the week Mary, our sister-in-law, texting us about it and mentioning that she didn’t want us “sitting around at home alone begin sad”. I remember thinking “but what if that’s all I want to do?” It was the first time in my life I didn’t mind moping. I felt like I needed to. Regardless, we went out to see the boys anyway.
Our nephews are ages 10, 9, and 7. They have two dogs, three (?) cats, and a hedgehog, so it’s always nice to get some “animal therapy” at their place too. They’ve got a lovely house on a nice property with some woods and plenty of space between them and the neighbors (haha, something we want when we retire). We spent the day having lunch, swimming (just Jared…the water was cold!), playing frisbee, and eating popsicles. At one point, they got out the 3- and 4-wheelers. Jared rode around on them with the boys for a bit, and then asked me to hop on. I got in the driver’s seat and smashed the gas, almost throwing Jared off the back…holy shit! 4-wheelers’ got some pick-up! Haha. I recall riding it around their woods and laughing my ass off. It was literally the first time I had smiled and the first time I had had fun in two weeks. It is a feeling I will never forget.
After visiting with Denny & the boys, we went to have dinner at our friends’ place in Avon.
We have quite the story with this couple. We met them when Jared and I were stationed in Virginia. Ironically, the wife is originally from Ohio but got a teaching job in Virginia. This couple started dating when we were stationed in Virginia, and got engaged shortly thereafter. We grew a very close relationship with this couple, I think because we all like drinking beer, working out, competing in crossfit competitions and we are around the same age…to name a few things, haha. When Jared and I moved to Nebraska in 2019, they moved a few months later up to Ohio because she wanted to be closer to her immediate family. So in December 2020, when we went home for the holidays to share the news that we were pregnant, we ensured we dropped in to see them and their new house/garage gym and share the news with them too. Turns out….they were also pregnant!! How exciting it would have been to raise our first-borns together. I will never forget, one morning in December 2020, she & I did a workout together in their garage. I don’t think it was a very tough workout, but I was around 16 weeks pregnant at the time and she was about 6 or 7 weeks…we laid on the floor after the workout, laughing at how tired we were despite such a simple workout – turns out growing a human is pretty exhausting. I even mentioned to her that we would look back at that moment and laugh. We talked a lot about the future and raising our girls to go to the CrossFit Games in 2039.
When we arrived at their house in Avon after Stevie’s passing, I had some anxiety. She was around 38 weeks pregnant at the time, and I had not encountered another pregnant woman since Stevie passed and I was so worried seeing her pregnant might trigger me. …But it didn’t! She looked so great and I was so excited for them. They also showed us the nursery they had created for their little girl, and it was another moment I wasn’t sure how I would handle. I started crying a little but we all agreed the nursery was so perfect. They made us dinner and we talked a lot about Stevie, labor & delivery, and the future.
By the time we made it to Stevie’s service on Saturday, the temperatures started creeping up again and it was another hot day just like the day of her service in Omaha. Once again, her service turned out really well and we were taken aback by the amount of family and friends that attended as well as all of the nice things they had to say to us (many people said “you will get through this”, “lean on each other”, “we really feel like we knew her”…). Given the stress behind this service, I was so relieved it turn out well.
The last thing we wanted to do while in Ohio was spread some of Stevie’s ashes somewhere. We thought a lot about potential places, and eventually settled on a spot in the woods in the Cleveland Metroparks that we can reach on foot from the end of the street my parents live on. I grew up in those woods, going on family hikes, catching minnows and crawfish with my brother in the river, riding my bike, sled riding in the winter and running the trails during cross country season in high school. It could not be a more perfect spot. Jared and I had hoped one day we could take Stevie there and she could experience all the things that we did there growing up.
We spread some of her ashes near an overlook in the thick of the woods where you can see the river, the trees and a trail across the river, and the sky. We did this on our own, just the two of us. After spreading some of her ashes, we spent several minutes thinking about her, crying, and thinking about what could have been. Then I got a picture of the spot. It is actually the picture I have on the title page of this blog….that’s where our girl is.
One Positive Thing:
Many of you who know me know that my fitness and health are large priorities in my life. This past weekend I got up on a pull-up bar for the first time in probably over a year. My main concern was seeing if my diastasis recti was still an issue and causing coning in my abdominal region. I am pretty happy to report there is only a very small amount of coning when first initiating the pull-up. At 5 months post-partum, I really did not know what to expect or how my body would recover from pregnancy, so I will definitely take this small win. I also hit 120lbs on my snatch, something I have not done in several months. All things considered with post-partum recovery and stress from the trauma, I am incredibly thankful for my body and it’s performance.