August 20th, 2021 was the first day I would head back to work from maternity leave. The thought of going back generated quite a bit of anxiety for me. I was very unsure how everything would go – what people would think or say to me, not knowing if I would be able to focus, curious if or when I might just break down in the middle of the workday. But at the same time, I was also looking forward to going back to work. It was one thing I knew I would do well at despite our new circumstances, it would provide me a welcome distraction, and I was craving getting some routine back into my life.
August 20th was a Friday. Since I would be working in a new office, different from my squadron I was in before I left on maternity leave, I decided to utilize Friday to just get re-acquainted/caught up with work and then I would report to my new office on Monday, August 23rd. I planned to dig out of my email, ensure all my work accounts were unlocked, and out-process my old unit.
One thing Jared and I are finding is that the anticipation of certain events are almost worse than the events themselves. This was true when going back to work. I was absolutely terrified that people would ask me about Stevie or ask how we were doing and that I would be forced to answer back/talk about it. But I was not ready to talk about anything yet and was certain I would crumble into a mess of tears in an instant if prompted. Luckily, my first day back went really well. More people were surprised to see my new rank (as I had pinned on O-4/Major while on maternity leave) and congratulate me versus ask about Stevie or how we were doing. And that was ok. The whole day was really low key, and easier to get through than I had imagined. It was comforting to see familiar faces in my old unit.
The next step was navigating my new office. This came with a lot of anxiety and (probably) self-generated pressure. I was not terribly familiar with this new office and/or how things were run, and since I had just promoted I felt more would be expected of me. I also had the same fears about people asking me about my family, how I would handle potential questions like that, and where I would go/what I would do if I needed a moment alone.
I knew ahead of time that a small amount of people that I would be working with knew what happened to Stevie. My primary co-worker in the office knew, as did four others, as well as my new supervisor & his senior enlisted leader. However, there are about 12 others that I work with on a regular basis that did not know what happened. Of those, there are still 9, to this day, I am fairly certain are still unaware. So again, I had to kind of prepare myself for potential questions. Looking back now, even when I say “I was prepared”, I really wasn’t….I knew I might be asked but I had no idea how I was going to handle it.
My first day in the new office, I made it clear to my co-worker/office mate that I would try to be transparent about how I was feeling each day and if I ever needed a day off or needed to telework I would let him know (I share an office with him and another co-worker that knew what happened). He totally understood and mentioned that he was surprised I was back at work already; but I reiterated that I just needed to get back into a routine and have some semblance of familiarity in my life. About 1 or 2 hours into my first day, a co-worker from another squadron (who works in the same building) stopped in our office to ask about something. He was someone who knew I had been pregnant but was unaware Stevie had passed away, and immediately asked “how the kiddo was doing”. I think I responded with “well, I do not want to make this awkward for you but….she actually passed away” while fighting back tears. He felt terrible and apologized for asking and mentioned he had no idea. I told him it was fine, and that I knew people were going to ask and that it was alright if he didn’t know what to say…then he left after apologizing several more times. Shortly after that, my office mate was walking me around and introducing me to people, and we stopped in another office where I knew I would see someone that knew I had been pregnant but probably didn’t know what happened. He also asked how “the baby was” and I paused awkwardly and then said…. “um…do you mind if I talk with you about that later/offline?” and I think he could tell something was wrong. Later in the afternoon he stopped in our office and I shared everything with him. He said he felt terrible for asking and that he hoped we would get some answers soon about what happened.
So, I survived those moments above, but they were really tough. I was expecting to be asked, but I was not expecting to be asked twice on my first day.
One of the other larger events I had to get through was re-qualifying in my crew position on the aircraft. I was fearful that I would honestly forget how to do everything. My brain and central nervous system felt so fried from grief and I had no idea how I would respond to getting back in the air. But, as I reported in a few entries ago, I was really pleased to find that I was successful in re-qualifying. My instructors and evaluator were super patient with me and it helped that they knew what happened to Stevie, so I think they understood some of the pressure I may have been feeling while training. I felt a true sense of accomplishment knowing I was able to get back to the job despite what Jared and I have gone through.
I am also really pleased to share that I got the hang of things at my new job pretty quickly, I like the work, and so far it has been going well. I have not had to take any time off and have found it has been nice getting the routine and familiarity I was craving back in my life. Jared and I are both planning to take some leave sometime in the next few weeks, however, as the Medical Examiner will be finishing her autopsy report on Stevie. She mentioned she is willing to sit down with us and go over everything, so we want to plan accordingly and know we will likely need some time to ourselves to digest everything.
Since going back to work and within the last few weeks, we have been working on talking about Stevie more. It’s kind of a weird dichotomy though. We want to share with people because we find it is our way of honoring Stevie, but at the same time, we never know when is a “right time to share”, and we are accompanied by guilt for sharing. Guilt because we do not want people to feel bad or depressed after we tell them. I think this guilt is worse when we are asked directly if we have kids versus us offering up the information…because it’s like “well, you asked...and now you know”. But then, when we really think about it, we should not feel bad about sharing. A woman in our support group this week mentioned that sometimes when she feels like she’s acting crazy, she reminds herself that her pain is justified considering what she has gone through. This resonated with me and I think is helpful to think about when we are faced with feelings of guilt.
One Positive Thing (actually, Two!):
Jared just returned from the Coast Guard’s Senior Non-Commissioned Officer Academy (SNCOA). SNCOA is a requirement for him in order to make the next rank; it is a form of professional military education where he learns different leadership principles, etc. He was gone for about 4.5 weeks and it was the first time we were apart since Stevie passed. I think it was harder than we expected to be separated. BUT, we made it through it and it was a good test to see where we were at while being apart.
We are also looking forward to Thanksgiving. We are going to my aunt’s on the day-of and will get to see my cousins and their families. Then, Jared’s brother Denny and his wife Mary and our nephews are coming to visit the remainder of the weekend. We are pretty excited to see everyone!